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Sunday - 18 June 2006

Subject:Oh yeah.
Time:10:10 pm.
A week ago, Kevin left me.

Yeah, shock was the word of the week.

It's for the best. We both sacrificed too much of ourselves for our relationship. It was comfortable and familiar and we loved each other a great deal, which is why it didn't happen sooner, even though it probably should have. He went home to his parents as he had been doing each Sunday and told him he was going to propose to me on our 4-year anniversary. He came back that evening and told me he was taking some of his things and moving back to Loveland. I was ambushed. He still hasn't spoken to me about the whole thing, which is my biggest regret. I'm most mad at him for how he's treating me and our relationship. I'm okay that he wanted to end the relationship - yeah, I still would have been hurt and felt very much alone, but this whole "let's just hit her like a semi would" thing doesn't work well. It's cowardly and not how decent people treat each other. Of course, I know it was probably the only way he could have done it. But that's beside the point.

It'll be okay. And if I ever feel like I want him back, I just ask myself, "Why would I want to be with someone who would treat another person like this?" And I really don't want him back. I do miss having someone around, though. I miss spooning and waking up next to someone. I miss hugs and chatting before bed. I'm strong enough to be alone, I know that. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't suck sometimes anyway.
Listen * Speak.

Friday - 3 February 2006

Subject:Happy Birthday to Me
Time:2:23 pm.
Mood:Elated.
So where to start?

Like I mentioned in my last update, I've been looking for a new job since Thanksgiving or so. Well, I've been looking for a new job for a long time, but since Thanksgiving I've been very diligently looking for one. My current job is not what I would call fulfilling. It's much too routine for me to get any sort of challenge from my daily duties. There are things that I do when I have time that I love, like maintaining some spreadsheets and whatnot. I'm also a freak and enjoy the filing that comes with my job (partially because I developed the system myself, but you know). However, there's nowhere in the company for me to go. I don't want to be a collector. I have no accounting experience. Working front desk would be a demotion and I have no desire to work closely with the doctors as a physician's assistant. Also, there's a 5-6 hour bus ride that is the biggest negative point ever. And now that I'm living in Longmont, it's not as easy to get home as it was in Boulder. There were 4 buses I could take to my apartment in Boulder, after I reached the city. Here in Longmont, there's only one. And it only runs once an hour. And the stop is still a 20-minute (not very well-lit) walk from the apartment. Kevin's gracious enough to drive me to the BOLT bus stop in the morning, but at night I take the 15L (you know, the most depressing bus ever) and catch the LX from Downtown Denver. That's a damned crowded bus. So, the thing is, the benefits of my current job (100% vested matching employer contribution up to 6% is really the only huge benefit) are outweighed and burdened by the loathsome commute. (Oooh, that's a good phrase, I have to remember that.)

In the past couple months I've applied to: Longmont United Hospital for a patient admissions rep; Hach Company for an Accounts Payable Clerk and an Administrative Assistant; 90% of the banks in Longmont for whatever position they'd hire me for; a catastrophic insurance company as some entry-level general office duty position; a couple chiropractic offices as front desk and a 401k third-party administration company as a receptionist. And probably some other stuff that just wasn't worth remembering. Of all of these, I've had two interviews. One was with the insurance company back in mid-December and then the other was this morning with the 401k administration company. Obviously the first one fell through; this last one did not.

Starting February 21st, I will be the new receptionist/general administrative assistant for Digital Retirement Solutions. The coolest thing about this place (of numerous cool things): it's not only in the same city I live in, but it's in the same zip code. The SAME zip code. Honestly, I was beginning to wonder if that were possible. The office atmosphere is fun and casual and friendly. I met three of the employees today (actually, can you consider a CEO an employee?) and they were all very nice and friendly and we meshed rather well. I mean, these are totally people I would probably go have drinks with. If I drank. The company has a bowling league and a softball team. I can accrue up to 3 weeks of vacation in a year (4 weeks after I'm there for 5 years) IN ADDITION to 9 paid holidays every year. 24 days of paid time off each year is nothing to sneeze at. Especially when I currently can only earn 18 days, period. Holidays included. The pay is roughly what I'm making now, about ninety cents less, but that's okay because I'll be saving money by working there anyway. I won't have to spend $135/mo on my bus pass and have no time whatsoever in the morning or afternoon to do what I want. Now I'll only be spending $54/mo on a bus pass (or maybe less - it depends on how often I ride it because Kevin can easily pick me up after work) and I don't have to leave the house until 8am for work. Wow. I don't even know what I'm going to do with all that time in the morning. Actually, that's not true. I know exactly what I'm going to do - enjoy it! There's a Borders right around the corner from this place, and with an hour for lunch, I imagine I'll be getting a lot of reading in. It also looks like a good place to go for walks. The mall's across the street so I can hop over there to pick up gifts and all that if I ever need to. (Actually I bought some gifts at Borders today after my interview. I was feeling pretty good about it, evidently. A book and gift card for my nephew's birthday and then some gifts for me and Kevin - "Darwinia" for me, "Affluenza" and a sudoku book for us.)

Yeah, so I'm excited. Thrilled, really. My last day at CROM will be the 17th so I'll have a very exciting (if a little anxious) birthday weekend. You know, my goal was to have found another job by my birthday, too. Go me!

I do wonder what I should wear the first day, though. They were all wearing jeans today, but then it's Friday. So I think I'll go with khakis or a skirt and a cute, yet professional shirt. hehehehehe!
Listen * Speak.

Thursday - 26 January 2006

Subject:Hi.
Time:9:14 pm.
So it's been three months, sue me.

Actually, don't. I have no money. =)

Mexico was good great. I revisit scenes and memories from the trip almost daily. When I'm sitting in my cubicle ready to bang my head on my ergonomic keyboard because I can't stand my job, I just envision myself back in a hammock strung between two palm trees listening to the soft crash of the ocean waves against the beach and I feel better. Of course, then I open my eyes and I feel worse because I'm still stuck in my crappy cubicle.

Soon after I got back Kevin and I went apartment shopping and found one. We signed the lease the day after Thanksgiving and his parents proceeded to give him flack (flak?) for it for the... well, they still are to a point. They're not at all pleased with his decision, which he just officially announced on Monday (long story). They're reacting better than I expected, however. Which is good, cause I'd have to bust their chops otherwise. Not that I don't want to considering the not nice things they think of me, but I try to forget such small details.

But this means that we're moving this weekend. Actually we've been moving for the past two weeks, but this is our final weekend in this apartment. And because of this I have no idea why on earth I'm writing in here instead of packing, but you know how one thing leads to another on the internet. And there really is a lot more packing to be done. The entire second bedroom that I turned into my studio after Kevin left is in disarray. That's probably why I haven't really touched it - too much of a headache to even think about. I'll get to it, it's just going to take time to tackle. Time I won't have until Saturday anyway. I always took for granted that I would move during times where I had days off. It never actually occurred to me that at some point I would have to move with only weekends and evenings to do it in. It sucks.

Oh, and we're moving to Longmont, which is northeast of Boulder. Yes, I still work at my same job in stupid crummy Aurora, but I'm looking and have been for... well since the day after Thanksgiving. I'll find something eventually, it's just going to take time. I mean it took me four months to get this job, so I shouldn't expect anything much sooner than that as it is. Actually, there's a position open at Kevin's company - I applied for it Wednesday. It'd be awesome if we could commute together since we'd both save so much money. And we'd have more time to spend together. As it is, I won't be getting home until 7pm or so. I'll have to leave earlier too - possibly 20 to 5. Everything else aside, this damnable commute is reason enough to get another job.

I guess I was just feeling talkative. =) I really need to pack though. I've got way too much crap and I've given at least three trunkfuls to Goodwill already! I guess this is why downsizing is such a huge issue. Anyway, I'll try to post pictures (of Mexico, the new apartment) next time I write. Which will be sooner than three months. Though perhaps not by much. ;)
Listen * Speak.

Thursday - 20 October 2005

Subject:Weee!
Time:10:39 pm.
Mood: excited.
So tonight's my last night in Boulder until next Saturday.  My mom will pick me up from work tomorrow night and then my sister's taking us to the airport Saturday morning.  I'm extremely thrilled to go to Mexico and think I'm going to have a ton of fun.  I'd like to go snorkeling if we get the chance.  And I'm all about getting a massage at the spa on the resort.  Oh, a massage sounds absolutely wonderful.  I hope that my relaxed muscles will last for at least a little while after my vacation.  =)

As much as I'm looking forward to going, I'm just as excited about coming back so I can see Kevin.  This will be the first time since he's been back home that we haven't seen each other on the weekend.  Hopefully it'll be one of the last, as well.  I know we won't spend Christmas weekend together, but that should be the last time.  After that we'll be moving back in together - we can't wait!

Anyway, I should go wrap up my packing. 
Speak.

Tuesday - 11 October 2005

Subject:Yay poker!
Time:10:14 pm.
Oh my god, that was the biggest rush ever!

Remember how I said I was obsessed with poker?  It's 100% true, but I just won $22 so I'm cool with that.  hehehehehehe!

Of course, I'm not entirely sure HOW I did it.  But I now know that I CAN do it.  So you know.  Maybe it was the beer?  =D
Listen * Speak.

Tuesday - 30 August 2005

Subject:but i get up again
Time:9:36 pm.
Did I write last week?  I can't recall, though I think I did - something about the insanity of billions of people putting up with dissatisifaction because that's the only way they think things can be.  Yes, I remember now.

I applied for another job, one with the Boulder Community Hospital, but haven't heard anything back yet.  I'm not feeling the same sort of urgency I did a month ago (or even two weeks ago) in finding a new job, so I'm not upset or disturbed or frustrated that I haven't heard anything.  Now that my nemesis is gone (did I write about that?  I don't think I did.  Either way, she got canned, and it was great), and I don't have to ride The Depressing Bus, I'm a lot happier.  Which isn't to say that I'm thrilled and content with the whole thing, there are still things that bug me, of course.  See, working with people who don't know that Σ is sigma not z thing.  Also, having a really engaging conversation only once a week (if I'm lucky) because instead I'm forced to listen to other people talk about their kids. 

One of the cooler people I work with is leaving - his last day is Friday.  I got him a card and have been working on what to say for the past two weeks, but it's hard.  How can I appropriately convey, "I'm terribly sad you're leaving because you're one of the very few people that make CROM worthwhile, not only because you're a fantastic worker, but because you're incredibly cute.  And if I didn't have a boyfriend I'd have an even bigger crush on you than I do now.  So if you've ever wondered why I've not been much for talking, it's because I get shy around you.  But now that you're leaving, we can talk more and become better friends through e-mail, as I am a much better communicator through text."  Yeah.

My annual review should be soon.  And if it's not within the next week or so, I'm going to start getting upset.  It's not like people (read: whoever's going to DO my review) can't plan ahead - the date's going to stay the same, it's not going anywhere.  And because the annual review is where one gets their raise, I need this to happen as soon as possible.  I mean, really, people.  I have to admit, if they don't do my review for another week and a half or so, then say that my raise won't be effective until September 15th (or later), I believe I might raise holy hell (as professionally as possible) because it doesn't make any sense for one's annual raise to become effective at any point later than the first pay period beginning after the employee's anniversary.  It's just rude to do it otherwise.  (Yes, this is still me smarting from taking on another position, which had been full time, in October (not even two full months after I started), not having my 90-day review until the end of  December and then not having my pay increase (to compensate me for the extra position I took on) show up on my paycheck for another month and a half.  Yes, bitter indeed.)

I still think reading books on my bus ride (though it's much much less depressing) is the best way to stay calm and remain at least partially content during the day.  I still dislike Aurora and all that is Aurora, but at least with my mind occupied during the bus rides I don't have much time to whine about it to myself.  I picked up an armful of books from the library this past Saturday, so I've got the book thing covered for a bit, though two were cookbooks and I'm not always in the mood to browse through those sorts of things; one was for Kevin; one's a book on yoga which I can only read so much of before needing to actually do some of the practicing; and then the other two are the final installments of the His Dark Materials trilogy, which have been my preference of late.  I'll probably finish that soon though, which just means I need another series (or group of vaguely related books) to fixate on.  I'm open to suggestions.

This weekend Kevin and I are housesitting for his parents again.  We're looking forward to it so much we can't wait.  It'll be a great mini-vacation for both of us.  And it'll be the first time in almost a month that we get to spend any part of Friday together, so that's awesome.  Indeed, because the past few weekends have only been Saturday morning - Monday morning, this whole Friday evening - Monday evening (or even Tuesday morning) weekend will seem enormously long.  We will relish it.

And now, bed.
Listen * Speak.

Thursday - 25 August 2005

Subject:there's a face of who we think we are
Time:9:07 pm.
Mood: creative.

RTD finally got their act together and realized that a bus between Aurora and Boulder (without going through Denver) is a brilliant idea and instituted the new DM route this past Monday.  Let me tell you how glorious it is.  I get to work less than two hours after I leave my apartment (a far far far cry from the 3+ hours it took last fall) and the same is usually true for the afternoons, depending on how bad 270 is (and it gets pretty bad sometimes which is precisely why they're widening it).  I've not seen more than 6 people on any of the DM buses at the same time, so I get to kick off my shoes and unselfconsciously sit cross-legged in my seat, which makes my back so much happier.  This also means the likelihood of someone whipping out a cell phone and braying loudly on it the whole trip is greatly reduced.  And of all things: I don't have to take the insanely depressing bus anymore.  True, instead I pass through the heavily industrialized part of the Metro area and seeing all the traffic jams during rush hour certainly isn't a pretty sight, but like most people these days, it's easier for me to block those things out than real-life people, on or off the bus. 

So, woo!

But, while on the DM home today, I had the most depressing thought ever:  How many billions of people in the world would rather be doing something else or be somewhere else right now?  I mean, think about that for a moment - isn't it horrible to think so many people are dissatisfied at the moment?  Not just superficially, but profoundly unhappy.  And it's a question you can ask any time of day and still reasonably imagine the answer to be gut-wrenchingly high.  Maybe it's only high for industrialized societies and countries, but the number of societies that remain unblemished by the industrial virus is rapidly dwindling.

I've been listening to Blue Sky Invention a lot lately.  One of the guys in the band used to be my next door neighbor and I really really really wish I had gotten to know him and his music better before he moved out, but I suppose it's better late than never because their stuff is fantastic.  Particularly if you're into socially conscious music, and of course, we all know I am.  I was listening to their CD on the bus when the aforementioned thought darted through my mind.  Perhaps I'm just overly emotional today, but I was on the verge of tears for most of the songs.  They certainly strike a chord with me.

youthful minds are stripped of passion
sell the farm and save your ration
in this nation's watchful eye
that ties you up and keeps you high
they say that with every living breath we take
there's a bill to pay and a buck to make
take the beauty of the human mind
and they strip it down to the bottom line

slowly eats away your pride
it's a living breathing suicide

Listen * Speak.

Thursday - 18 August 2005

Subject:Tag!
Time:11:01 pm.
Mood: sleepy.

This is a game of tag. You have to answer the questions below and then TAG six of your friends.

Set 1.
List 3 things that bug you - things that others may find trivial.

1: People who don't put their seatbacks in an upright position on the bus (or plane) when they KNOW someone is sitting behind them.  Particularly when that someone is me.
2: Drinking from plastic cups sans lid and straw.
3: Aurora, CO. 

Set 2.
List 3 things that make chocolate even better. (I'd change this to "enjoyably edible" since I don't much care for it in the first place.)

1: S'mores.
2: Hot and in liquid form.
3: Strawberries, dipped.

Set 3.
List 3 things you'd rather be doing than playing a game of LJ tag.

1: Finding out that I've been hired for a job in Boulder.
2: Checking my bank account balance and seeing that someone made an anonymous donation of a couple thousand dollars. =)
3: Cuddling with Kevin.

Now's the part where I tag six people and they think "Ah fuck, another LJ survey. I'm not doing this one":

I can't even think of six people at the moment.  So if you're reading this, tag, you're it!  (Unless of course you tagged me, so there.)

Speak.

Tuesday - 16 August 2005

Time:2:23 pm.
Mood:broke.
Remember how when you were a kid, $100 was a huge sum of money and you hoped every birthday and Christmas that maybe, just maybe, your gift cards and cash might all pool together to equal that fantastic amount?  And now, when you've got bills to pay, all of a sudden anything less than $100 seems like pocket change.  Despite the fact that you know that's not true and you know that that $100 means just as much to you as it does to the giver, but still there's a bit of disappointment that goes with it.  Hopefully I'll be out of this stage soon, you know, when I'm not piss-ass broke.

Had a doctor's appointment this morning; got my prescription for birth control back up and running; asked for the generic of it because generic = cheaper, right?  Yeah, not so much.  I paid forty fucking dollars for a month of this crap.  It works out to almost $1.50/day for this damn stuff.  And you know, it's not the pharmacy's fault, it's my stupid health insurance.  Oh, how I wish I had Kaiser again.  Hopefully next time I can tell the pharmacy tech that I want whatever's going to be cheapest.

Though I'm terribly impressed with the medical facility as a whole.  It was quite nice.  And my doctor, who will become my PCP, was fantastic.  She couldn't have been a day over 30, though she probably was, given her credentials.  Another plus, though?  I can see her for my annual check-up AND get the whole gynecologic exam out of the way at the same visit.  That saves me a $30 specialist copay every year and I'm cool with that.  Though, who knows how long my insurance will last.

And by that, I mean, I desperately want a new job.  I want to work in Boulder so badly I can taste it.  My little excursion this morning certainly didn't help those feelings either.  Not that I want to be rid of them, but I don't really like the fact that I'm not content with the occupational circumstances of my life at the moment.  I know most people aren't, but I don't want to be one of those people doing a job they hate when they're 30.  It's different right now because I don't really have any options open to me (and trust me, I look every week), but when I'm 30 I'll probably have a kid or two and I really don't want to spend 40 hours a week loathing the circumstances of my existence.  I don't want to do it now either, but when I come home in a pissy mood because my co-workers are nincompoops, it only affects me and occasionally Kevin, at this point.  I don't want my kids growing up thinking that work is a necessary evil.  I want them to embrace the working world and find a job that they love and enjoy going to.  Of course, I want that for myself as well.  And maybe if I find it, they'll find it easier too.

I should go clean some as Kevin'll be home soon, and we'll have some downtime before we go out to the dinner theatre, which is going to be a blast.  By the way, yesterday was our three year anniversary - crazy, isn't it?
Listen * Speak.

Saturday - 13 August 2005

Subject:The Incredible Growing Music Library and Shrinking Woman!
Time:12:42 am.
Mood:skinny.
So when I replaced my beloved Alexei a couple months ago, I had to spend some time redownloading tons of programs that you take for granted after you've had your computer for a couple years.  Like WinAmp, and Quicktime and that sort of thing.  And when I downloaded Quicktime there was a bundled option where you could get iTunes, too.  I figured what the heck, I might as well.

So I downloaded and installed iTunes ages ago, but never used it because what did I need it for really?  Well, tonight I was browsing the apple site and looking at all the trailers they have up (that's a big time-waster right there) and they had a link so you could use iTunes to view these trailers.  So I clicked it because why not?  And then I got sucked into the music store aspect of it all.  My goodness.  And you know what?  I wouldn't have except that they had Azure Ray!  I've been looking for their CD(s) for months and no one has them and blah blah blah.  But iTunes does.  And now so do I.  =)

But, I don't have an iPod.  Nor will I be able to afford one in the near future, so I had to google around a bit to see how I could possibly play these iTunes songs on my trusty Creative MuVo Slim.  The only solution so far is to download the songs, burn a bunch onto a CD and then re-import them to iTunes as mp3 files.  Kind of lame, but it works for me right now.  And then I'll have CDs of all these songs too, and that'll be neat if Kevin and I go on a road trip sometime, which we'd like to do.

Anyway, so I'm playing with importing songs and the most brilliant thing occurred to me: I can totally import my whole CD collection AND Kevin's while I'm at it.  And no, this isn't original or different in general, but that notion had never entered my little head before, so really it was pretty neat.  I think part of the reason it didn't occur to me before is that back in the day before ripping CDs was so commonplace, the programs sucked and required more effort than would be reasonable if you wanted to rip 200+ CDs in one weekend.  So that mental block was always there for me - ripping CDs is so tedious it would never be worth it.  So I never bothered and wasn't bothered by it either.  But with iTunes, it's just a click of a button.  And though the way they file things isn't how I would do it, it's still pretty damn neat and organized so that's fine by me. 

Obviously this is why I'm awake at midnight on the Friday night of the week where I've gotten the least sleep since college.  I've been so tired this week I've fallen asleep much too easily on my buses and stayed asleep for the majority of the bus ride.  The only thing that keeps me from missing my stops is that my eyes begin to flutter open a stop or two before mine and I force myself to stay awake, pull the bell and get off the bus.  Even though I sleep a lot on the bus on good weeks, I still think this extreme is a bit bizarre.  I've just been dead tired.  Makes the workday a bit suckier, too. 

But it's the weekend and that's certainly a good thing.  Kevin has a dentist appointment tomorrow morning which is why he didn't come down tonight.  But if he had come down tonight, I never would have discovered all this iTunes business, so I'm okay with it.  He'll be down around noonish tomorrow and he wants to go hiking.  I do to, of course.  I think it'll be a lot of fun, but I'm in the phase right now, before a new experience, where I don't want to do it just because it's new.  When I was younger I chickened out of a LOT of things just because they were new and I didn't want to be ripped from my comfort zone to do them.  I think this is probably why I didin't have too many friends I hung out with a lot as a kid.  Nowadays it still affects me, but usually only on the weekends and only when I'm by myself.  I would never dream of chickening out of something if Kevin was there to hold my hand through it (figuratively or literally).  I'm a wimp, but there you go.

I'm getting some knitting done while these CDs get imported - I love multitasking.  I also pulled a new icon off the internet - Wicked!  They're doing a musical based on the book and they have great art on the webpage.  I had to yoink it.  Kind of reminds me of my Westword girl - the blue one.  Anyway.

Read The Golden Compass by Phillip Pullman this week.  Jennifer, the first librarian I worked with at NILL, had given it (and another book called Sabriel) to me before she left in... August 2001.  So it only took four years to get around to reading it, but I think it was probably worth the wait.  Terribly good book and of course I'm going to the library tomorrow to get the sequels and read those.  Interestingly enough, they announced the director (or some other project-head) of the movies for this trilogy this week.  How weird is that?  If they do it right, it'd be a good set of movies, too.  Of course, if people did things right most things would be good, so that statement was a bit obvious.

And while I'm on a roll writing as it is, I'd like to discuss an odd little phenomenon that I've been experiencing the past few weeks: losing weight without even trying.  I don't know what's going on here, but it's weird.  Every day I notice my body changing and becoming slimmer or leaner or bonier in spots and it's kind of freaking me out, actually.  My rings are beginning to not fit, even.  I mean I've always wanted to drop all those bloody extra pounds I had, but never thought it'd happen all by itself without any strenuous work on my part.  Which isn't to say that my diet and level of exercise hasn't changed over the past two months or so, but they weren't difficult changes, you know?  We moved offices so now the bus stop is .7 miles from the building, so I walk that distance twice a day.  Then I walk probably another half mile or so in Boulder/Denver to catch my buses or get home.  And I go up and down a flight of stairs about 5 times a day.  And though I've yet to start practicing yoga in a serious way, I do some poses every now and then and I also have a tendency to run from one end of the apartment to the other a couple times a day.  And I jog in place while brushing my teeth some days.  And I'm almost a complete vegetarian and have eaten mostly veggies for the past few weeks.  But not entirely - I've been  having s'mores and mini Chips Ahoy and way too many potato chips and the other day I bought chocolate covered donut gems and all sorts of junk food, actually.  I have switched from regular soda to diet, though, and I'm sure that plays a part.  It's kind of nice knowing I can have a soda whenever I want and not be consuming an extra 180 empty calories from it.  And after a week or two, regular soda tastes way too sugary anyway, so the diet doesn't taste bad at all.  Though the whole aspertame thing gets to me if I think about it.  But most things do.

It's odd, though, watching my body change.  All of a sudden my legs are muscular and cute and it's too bad summer's almost over because I could totally go for some knee-length skirts right now, whereas normally I stick with my ankle-length ones.  Though I will never give those up because they're entirely too comfortable to stop wearing.  And my back!  There's definition I never thought I'd have there.  And today I realized my biceps are really noticeable all of a sudden.  My belt can be cinched to the fifth set of holes where six months ago it was stuck at the second and on good days it could go to the third.  Hell, I remember when I couldn't get it to the first set.  And that's another thing that's so weird about this: I remember being larger and having a lot more mass, so obviously I'm skinnier now, but there are times when I still feel incredibly pudgy.  And then I think about those times when I know I weighed more than this and I freak out - how was that ever possible?  I do remember asking myself questions like that when I was larger though, "How do people who don't have so much mass relate to their bodies?"  I couldn't fathom it, you know?  Now that I'm skinnier than I was, I can't fathom how I related to my larger body.  I suppose this is the sort of thing women go through with pregnancy too. 

Of course, I could still stand to lose more weight.  And I'm not saying that in an anorexic sort of way.  I'm getting healthier and I love it - but I know that I can still be even healthier.  I've got a doctor's appointment on Tuesday so I'll have to be officially weighed again.  I'm pulling for a weight that's 30-40 pounds less than my last official weigh-in (which was almost two years ago).  And I requested bloodwork be done, too, so hopefully I'll come out of it all sorts of healthy and in good spirits. 

And now I'm incredibly sleepy.  I'm going to be weird and sleep in my sleeping bag on the floor tonight.  Sounds like fun anyway.  So until next time, adieu.
Listen * Speak.

Tuesday - 9 August 2005

Subject:CMA
Time:8:13 pm.
Mood:sore.
Okay, so that whole "I'll update on Tuesdays and Thursdays" thing isn't working.  One day a week is all I seem to have time for right now.  Which blows my mind, really.  Where the *&$% is all my time going?  Oh yes, that's right, the town that I just can't seem to escape.  Fuck you, Aurora.  (For what it's worth, that's an actual song title from Alkaline Trio.  Though their disliked town is in Illinois, not Colorado.)

Right, so want to know something else that bothers me, aside from Aurora, that is?  When people honk their horns at a pedestrian.  Not in a sort of "Get the hell out of the street" way, though depending on circumstances that would tick me off, too.  But rather in a "you're just casually walking down the sidewalk minding your own business and a car drives by and honks at you" sort of way.  There are two reasons drivers would honk at a person: hey, I know you! and Wow, you're hot!!  The latter is almost wholly unacceptable and really I shouldn't need to elaborate on that.  The former though, is just dumb.  Have you ever tried to look into a car going 30 (or more) miles an hour and actually recognize someone?  It's incredibly difficult if the car's coming your way, and impossible if you're going in the same direction.  And frankly, if I haven't seen you in the past six months, I probably don't know what your car looks like so I won't recognize you from that, either.  It drives me insane, actually. 

And Aurora must have the most drivers willing to honk at pedestrians minding their own business per capita than any other city in the nation.  Okay, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, and an unsubstantiated one at that.  I do, however, know for sure that  more people honk at me in Aurora than they do in Boulder.  I don't know if it's a manners thing or just that more people in Aurora recognize me (or think they do).  That's the other thing that really chaps my ass about this nonsense: I don't know if I'm being honked at because some testosterone-fueled jerk thinks I look hot, or because someone thinks they know me.  It's terribly frustrating.  So just quit honking at me, okay?

And in keeping with today's theme (that would be "Chaps My Ass" for those a little slow on the uptake), I cannot stand one of my coworkers.  Honestly I want to ring her neck every single time I even sense her presence.  Today was a fantastic day for me because she wasn't there.  I expressed my frustration to the boss last week, but nothing's come of it yet.  Not that I would know for sure anyway.  At least not until she packed up her desk and left.  Which will hopefully be less than a month from now.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  In the meantime, I will try to ground myself in yogic principles.  (Or something of the sort - I really just wanted to use the word yogic.)

Speaking of, (and this is where we leave the theme behind), I got my first issue of Yoga Journal last night.  Wow, does it make me want to stand on my head for hours on end.  I'm really excited about getting back into the yoga thing.  It's something I really want to do.  I really really really want it.  And something occurred to me today relating to that.  I've wanted this for almost five years now, practicing yoga on a regular basis.  So why haven't I done it?  Why do I not practice yoga when I want to so very badly?  The answer came to me today while I was waiting at the bus stop (coincidentally, I was standing on one leg when it happened): it doesn't come easy for me.  Rarely in my life have I actually had to work hard at something.  After I got over the shock of it (as I don't tend to think of myself as one who doesn't have to work for things) it was rather refreshing.  So now I'll be working rather hard, since I know I'll have to, at practicing yoga with more regularity.  It will probably replace my early morning web-surfing so I can take a shower afterwards before I head out for work.  I'm looking forward to it. 
Listen * Speak.

Tuesday - 2 August 2005

Subject:Of course.
Time:5:26 am.
Mood:bummed.
Remember that position I was talking about all excitedly last week?  Yeah, it's been filled.  And not by me.

I'm bummed, but at least now I don't have to make any difficult decisions.  So that's a plus.

Now, I'll be concentrating on my sales pitch to my supervisor as to why I deserve more money.  I'll keep you posted on that one, but I'm not holding my breath.  Even though my annual review is coming up so that might give me more of a chance, but we'll see.

Off to another day of work.  Hopefully sometime this week I will renew my sense of purpose and not dread it so much.   Again, not holding my breath.
Speak.

Wednesday - 27 July 2005

Subject:Working Girl
Time:12:44 am.

I moved over to headquarters about two weeks ago because they needed to take down my cubicle row and move it over to HQ as well, but then I wouldn't have anywhere to work at the old office.  The past two weeks have been utterly blissful.  Everyone's made comments about how I must be lonely and that whole bit, but I haven't been.  Not even in the slightest, actually.  Part of that is because I've been so busy, but it's also very much due to my solitary nature as well.  Working by myself, with the freedom to do what I want (within reason), and not having anyone watching over me or caring what I do has been fantastic.  I get little bits of interaction with various people throughout the day and I like that, because I choose to participate, it's not expected of me.  Also, the people at HQ are a whole different type: they're nice and hardworking and considerate.  *gasp* 

And today was the last day of my peaceful semi-seclusion.  I'm going to miss it terribly.

The movers will be in and out all morning with Jeff and Keith (our IT crew) setting up computers and our printers and fax machine.  Everyone else is supposed to come in around 1pm.  I have a feeling I won't be getting much done tomorrow.  And from now on it's going to be noisy as all get out.  I am not looking forward to it at all.

I did, however, come across a job opening Sunday night while I was browsing around for Kevin (as he needs a job much nearer to Boulder so he can move back in with me and all).  It's as close to a dream job as I could hope to get at this juncture in my working life.  I'll be sending in my resume Monday with slightly mixed emotions:  yes, it's a dream job, but I will feel like I'm not giving my current company enough of a chance to make things more worth my while.  Of course, that's just a feeling since I know they can't make it more worth my while than this other job, which is less than 2 miles from my front door, offers an EcoPass (which will cut my transportation costs down by $1500/yr) and has a tag line on the jobs page of their website that says, "make a living by making a difference."  If that doesn't fit me perfectly, then I can't imagine what would.  Just think: I could live AND work in the SAME city.  Oh the possibilities!  The bus rides to and fro would take a whole whopping 10 minutes, combined.  Add another 20 minutes for my walking to the bus stops and possible delays caused by snow, slow people and turtle crossing, and I would still only spend 30 minutes a day in transit.  After a year of spending 4-5 hours a day in transit, that's like a wet dream.

Do you know what I could do with those extra 3.5-4.5 hours?  I could clean my apartment, knit half a sweater and watch Lord of the Rings, make 4 pieces of moderately difficult jewelry, update my website, read a book, go grocery shopping and work on saving the world.  All from the comforts of home.

Like I said.  Wet dream.

I have to harden my resolve.  All these HQ people doing nice things for me and involving me and treating me with kindness and such, well, that can't stop me from pursuing this position.  I can always keep in touch with people at the current company.  Though I said that before I stopped working at NILL and that hasn't happened.  But that doesn't mean in the next four weeks that I wouldn't become fast friends with a few choice people there and really want to keep in touch.  I just have to keep in mind that I'm not going to be letting anyone down if I did change jobs.  In fact, I'd probably be letting myself down if I didn't.  This whole commotion is predicated on the idea that I'd be making at least what I'm making now.  If they can't offer me that, or more, I will not be able to take the position, despite the $1500 it will wind up saving me in the long run.  Of course, I believe that they will offer me more than I'm making now only because they won't have to work so hard at training me as they would anyone else.  Their ad only calls for someone with previous data entry work and a high school diploma (or equivalent).  So other than the small aspect that they would prefer the candidate speak Spanish, I'm actually over-qualified.  But in a good, this-job-and-I-were-made-for-each-other-way.  And that Spanish bit wouldn't be so hard to overcome given my background in French, growing up in Aurora and having a generally adept mind when it comes to language.

This week I'll be working on writing my cover letter.  I already updated my resume to include the subtle changes in my job duties as of late and reformatted it to make it easier on the eye.  I'll need to come up with a comprehensive list of references which might be tricky as it will clue people in to my looking for another job if I ask to use them as a reference.  As I don't want to make a big hullaballoo out of this if I don't get it, or decide not to take it, I'd rather not ask any direct, or indirect supervisors.  This leaves two people at work.  I'd need at least a third, which would leave a former supervisor.  I think that would be okay, but for some reason I think I'd feel awkward asking the three of them.  I'm not sure why.

Then there's still the nagging feeling that I'm not giving CROM a chance.  If things go as my daydreams have planned, I wouldn't even go through my annual review before giving my two weeks' notice.  Which is fine by me, but an annual review is one of those situations where the employee is the one being judged, but a concerned employee uses it as a measuring stick for the employer/supervisor as well.  It was something I was looking forward to, just to see how my "job duties exceed job title" situation would be treated or if I would be considered for "bigger and better" things within the company, as I am much more suited to jobs that require thinking than those that don't always.

Right.  Now that I've properly babbled for half an hour, I do believe I should go to bed.  I'll be getting up in less than four hours.  And I do need my beauty sleep. 

Listen * Speak.

Thursday - 21 July 2005

Time:8:11 pm.
Mood: tired.
So, carrot cake.

I've always liked it, but the other day I was wondering why on earth it's called carrot cake.  Do they actually mush up carrots for the
batter?

Well, we had carrot cake at work for the July birthdays, and while eating one of the leftover pieces I actually encountered bits of carrot!

I was astounded, really. I was almost to the point of assuming they called it carrot cake solely for the ubiquitous frosting-carrots scattered about the top of the cakes themselves. Shows me, huh?




Okay, so that was really short and not very entertaining, but I updated didn't I?
Listen * Speak.

Wednesday - 20 July 2005

Time:4:50 am.
Mood: contemplative.
In an effort to get more out of the little time I have at home, and indeed all of my waking time, I've taken to planning (at least roughly) most of my day. "Online journaling" fits in on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, for about half an hour or so. You can tell how well this is working for me by noticing that it's Wednesday morning. ;)

My cat, Shasta, is sick. My mom noticed this weekend that she had lost a lot of weight and took her to the vet. They noticed she had poorly functioning kidneys and her liver wasn't doing so well either. And they found a lump in her mammary glands; she was dehydrated and constipated and has an abscessed tooth. Poor kitty. =(

My mom took her in again yesterday morning since nothing they found out on Saturday was really conclusive and they did ultrasounds and things and discovered that she has some liver disease and pancreatitis, but they don't know what's causing either. They subcutaneously rehydrated her and she ate a little bit while she was there. They sent her home with my mom, and said they'd check in today to see how she did at home. My mom said she could tell she felt better and was a little more active and lively, but the vets said that pancreatitis is hard to give a prognosis on because it's so rare in cats and the outcomes are all over the board.

It feels like I haven't seen her in ages, so I'm going to see if I can't convince Kevin this Saturday to take me down just so I can make sure I see her at least once more, in case her bout of pancreatitis ends in, well, sudden death. Even if Kevin doesn't want to take me, I'll probably go down anyway.

It's sad because I feel like somehow this is all my fault. As if somehow she'd be fine if I took her with me when I moved out and kept a closer eye on her. I know this probably isn't true, but I still feel terrible about it. Right now my worst fear isn't that she'll die, but that I won't get to see her again before she does.

It's a little odd, because this is really my first gut-wrenching encounter with mortality. It's amazing to think I've gone 23 years without something like this. Which isn't to say people and pets I know haven't passed on, but they've never been so close. And it'd be even more gut-wrenching if I saw her everyday. As it is there are times when I'll think I see her out of the corner of my eye and of course it's not - I just miss her sometimes. I wonder if those instances will increase in a worse case scenario?
Listen * Speak.

Sunday - 17 July 2005

Subject:Uh, hi.
Time:11:55 pm.
Mood: busy.
So is there a phrase that means the opposite of "dropped off the face of the earth"? You know as in, "She dropped off the face of the earth, but all of a sudden she's reappeared!" At least, for now.

So my last update was... good God, four months ago. Simultaneously it feels like it's been longer and not quite so long.

Work:

April 22nd was Lynn's (the boss who hired me) last day. She was offered (not even looking) a better job with more opportunity for her to do what she wants with her career. It was sad, but I had high hopes that things at the office wouldn't devolve into general pettiness. I was horribly mistaken.

The two months between the time Lynn left and Kim (our new boss) started were absolutely, hands-down the worst two months of my job-life. People really showed how petty, lazy, and irresponsible they really are. Things are looking up now though because Kim definitely means business. She's made it clear that she's going forward and we're going to streamline the department and do the best we can for our doctors and their collections, and if you're not okay with that, then she'll just leave you behind. She's made it clear that the pettiness will stop, that we're all there to do our jobs and any personal issues need to be left at the door. She's also setting very specific rules and guidelines that are equivalent to giving people the rope to hang themselves. For instance, we will all have very specific times that we will be in the office and that means that the company's absentee policy will actually be put into effect. For some of the members of the department this means that they could very well violate the absentee policy to the point of termination within two weeks or less. I'm crossing my fingers for this to happen.

We're also moving the entire office to headquarters in the admin office. This will be FANTASTIC. People will be unable to sleep at their desks when they're in full view of anyone who walks by, and the people walking by might just be the head doctors. I moved over there last Monday afternoon because they were going to tear down my entire cubicle row to use in the other office space, so I would have had nowhere to work. I tell you what, working over at HQ has been fantastic. The people are great, it's quiet (though it won't be when they add 11 more people; though I think before September's up the employees in our department will dwindle - I can name five that need to go and may just do so and if Kim can find the right people we'd only really need to rehire three people to take on their jobs; sad isn't it?) and there's no backstabbing petty jealousy floating around. That makes for a fantastic working environment.

My annual review is at the end of August and I'm crossing my fingers not only for the best raise I can get, which is only 57 cents, but a bump in my base pay because I think it's too low for what I'm doing, which has really morphed into quite a lot. I'm also hoping that I can convince my boss that it'd be okay if she fired one of the other employees because with only an extra couple hours a week beyond my regular 40, I could easily take on her job as well. Of course, I won't make it sound so ... stepping-on-others ambitious, but as I think it would be better for the company (even paying me overtime for a few hours a week is cheaper than paying this other woman 40 hours a week at her regular pay when she's not really working all 40 hours and doesn't need to work all 40 hours to do her job). If I did take over her duties, that would bump my pay scale up anyway, since it's different for "collectors" than it is for "data entry."

I'm also going to start taking accounting classes this fall; see if I like accounting in general and get a certificate on my way toward getting an associate's degree in it. It's a practical degree which will hopefully open a lot more doors for me, even possibly within the company, but definitely for other companies (maybe ones in Boulder!), so it's a good plan for me I think.

Personal:

Kevin's back home! After his first year of law school he really realized that he didn't want to be a lawyer and it just wasn't the thing for him to do. So he came back home about 4-5 weeks ago. He's living with his parents for now. He's got a temporary customer service job at the company in Loveland his dad also works for, though they don't really work together at all. He's trying to sort out what he wants to do with his life, you know, aside from spending it with me. ;) He's looking for jobs/careers in and around Boulder as we both really want to move back in together. He comes down every weekend, but that makes the weekdays sucky because we spend the whole week just waiting for Friday, which I suppose, most working people do, but still, it sucks living 5/7ths of your life waiting for the other, blissful 2/7ths of it.

We're getting more serious about our future, randomly discussing wedding ideas, names for future kids, et cetera. It's fun, but we won't be getting married for at least another two years. We both need to get our feet more solidly on the ground and all. That'll be easier for us both if we move in together since that means lower living expenses for us both. He's hoping to find a new job and move out of his parents' house within the next six months. I would love to stay in Boulder in this apartment of course, but I've told him that I'm definitely willing to relocate to somewhere in Denver, Westminster, Louisville, or Lafayette. As long as I can get around without him if need be, I'd be fine. Depending on how things go at work I'll be looking for other jobs in the Boulder area as well. This whole 2.5 hour commute (each way) thing isn't too terribly bad but some days it takes its toll. If Kevin doesn't move back in with me, and I can't find a better job in Boulder, I am seriously considering moving down to Aurora for a year or so just so I can save on living expenses and work on paying off my ridiculously high debt. I'd be saving $90 a month by not having to purchase a regional bus pass, which would be fantastic in an of itself. But also I'd save at least $400 by not paying rent up here in Boulder. Of course, if Kevin moves in with me I'll be saving that much and more as well, and I'd get to stay here and not have to worry about updating my address on everything, so of course I'm rooting for that. Aside from the fact that, you know, I hate Aurora and all.

Other:

I'm taking baby steps to becoming vegan. It's easy as pie for me to eat vegetarian, but eating vegan is harder because animal products seem to be in everything. However, there aren't any animal products in Twizzlers, which is fantastic because I love those damn things. Tofu definitely isn't bad and I'm beginning to acquire a taste for it. I've always liked fruits and vegetables and I've started drinking soymilk, which is actually pretty tasty, as long as it's Silk - other brands can be disgusting.

In conjunction with the baby steps to veganism, I'm taking baby steps to having a green home. Meaning recycled toilet paper, paper towels and napkins; natural, non-harmful toothpaste, cleaning detergents, body wash and shampoos. That sort of thing. It's hard sometimes, mostly because it's ten times more expensive to buy things that are good for the environment, but I do it when I can considering it's an investment in my children's future anyway. Kevin's more on board with it than I'd thought - part of it is because he loves me and wants me to be happy, but part of it is that he understands why I want this and why it's better for the planet to try to live like that as well. He's even okay with being mostly vegetarian. I've told him that I'd like to raise our kids vegan, and so far he's open to the idea. I think once we move back in together and he really experiences all that a vegan/vegetarian diet has to offer, he won't lament giving up meat so much. Right now he eats meat all three meals (almost) every day, so just weaing him off of it will help things. I didn't like soymilk until I hadn't had cow's milk for three months or so - then soymilk was great! So I think if he gives up meat for a longer period of time, it'll be easier for him to accept substitutes as equally tasty and satisfying. It's a work in progress though, just as it is for me.

I do apologize for being so terribly remiss in keeping in touch. I've got email at work and usually it's easiest for me to email from there, but it's been hard lately because my job's taking a lot longer than it has in the past. And when I get home the last thing I want to do is spend a lot of time in front of my computer - particularly because lately my arms and hands have been acting up and hurting like crazy. Then on the weekends I spend all my time with Kevin, so there's not much time to do my own thing, like write people emails. But, I will make a concerted effort to reconnect with some people this week. I'll probably email from work, just because that's still easiest, if I can make the time.

That's really the big news. Anything else you want to know?

-Misty
Listen * Speak.

Wednesday - 16 March 2005

Subject:Eww.
Time:12:26 am.
Mood: accomplished.
At some point today, I sat on a piece of chocolate. Obviously, since my ass is so damn hot, it melted. I didn't realize this until 8pm or so in my kitchen when, for reasons which will remain mysterious, my hand encountered the seat of my pants.

Is that GUM? was my first thought. In quick succession were, How long was I walking around with this smeared on my ass?! and Who did I walk in front of today? Anyone important and/or cute?

I immediately took off my pants and found that it was not gum, but chocolate. Which was worse. Because really, if you see someone walking around with chocolate on their ass what is your mind going to wander to? Exactly. Poo.

In order to avoid any further embarrassments, I vow to always check the seat before I sit down and to not leave work without looking at my ass in the mirror.
Listen * Speak.

Sunday - 13 March 2005

Subject:Best Website of the Moment
Time:11:02 pm.
Mood:insomniatic, but amused.
http://www.grocerylists.org

Now don't go and have too much fun there!
Speak.

Tuesday - 15 February 2005

Subject:Ack! I need to learn Spanish!
Time:7:41 pm.
Mood: chipper.
I discovered today that my grandparents have invited my mom, little sister and I to vacation with them at their timeshare (or is that two separate words?) down in Puerto Vallarta for a week in October. I say "I discovered I was invited" because they've been coordinating this with my mom, not directly with me or my little sister--I'm not even sure if she knows yet, actually.
My first reaction? You've got to be kidding me. In a "holy cow, you're awesome" sort of way. Not in a "dude, that's so not cool" way. You know, in case you were thinking me ungrateful or something.
Throughout the day other things occurred to me: I wondered if we'll fly United and if so can I use my frequent flyer number to get miles on this trip? It also occurred to me that I've been a little jet-setter in the past year compared to, well, the rest of my life. I'm flying a lot more now with Kevin being in Baton Rouge. This of course increases the likelihood that I'll die in a plane crash, but hey, you can't be a world traveller without taking a few risks, right?
Also, I really need to learn more Spanish than the bit I've gleaned throughout the years. Somehow I don't think I'll be needing to ask where the laundry is.
And there's the ever-popular: I have to make sure my body is beach-worthy. I have no idea where their timeshare is, but I don't think you can visit Puerto Vallarta without visiting the beach, right? That gives me eight months. Luckily I'll have all summer to eat nothing but deliciously fresh produce and do yoga, so I don't think it'll be a problem. Though this does mean I need a new bathing suit. It just snowed 3 or 4 inches today out here and I'm trying to figure out the best time to start shopping for a bathing suit. So weird.
Of course, this is strange because last week Lynn (my boss) was talking about her honeymoon, which was at a resort in Puerto Vallarta. She loved the resort area but was saddened by how people live in the actual city. I'm probably a lot more sensitive to such things so I'm really hoping I don't completely lose it and bawl the whole time I'm there, just thinking about all that. I don't know. We'll see. I've got eight months to gear up for it and culturally acclimate (at least in my head). Hopefully that'll help.
Um yeah. Everything else kind of pales in comparison to that, doesn't it?
*gasp* I just realized what a FANTASTIC scrapbook opportunity this will be. Ooooh!
This whole month is treating me very well. Perhaps it has something to do with my birthday being on Saturday or something, but I'm feeling incredibly lucky lately. Maybe lucky isn't the right word. Taken care of, perhaps? Either way, I was bitching most of January about not having enough money and now, though I wouldn't say I'm swimming in it, I certainly have enough to take care of everything. My raise is on my paychecks from here on out, so that's a major bonus. We made goal January so we got our bonus on today's paycheck. I did my taxes early enough to be getting both state and federal returns this week (and I didn't make any money at all last year so I'm getting everything I gave back). And I got a lot of stuff for my birthday, too. And my grandma gave me a bit of extra cash for my school loan for of all things, Valentine's Day. I was trying to remember the cliche when people talk about times of plenty and times of not-so-plenty and all I could think of was "Drought vs. downpour? torrential rains? floods?" It was amusing when I finally thought of "feast or famine." And how true is that? So I'm trying to figure out how to ration and stockpile my "extra" this month so next month is at least comfortable.
And now, dinner.
Hasta luego!
Listen * Speak.

Monday - 17 January 2005

Subject:Corknut.
Time:8:18 pm.
Mood:fucking pissed..
I get two paychecks a month; one on the 15th (or the closest workday to it) and then one on the last day of the month (or again, the closest workday to it). The second paycheck, in its entireity (why does that look misspelled?) goes toward my rent. The first paycheck makes up the difference between my second paycheck and the actual cost of my rent and then goes toward my other bills--school loan repayment, credit card bills, energy bill, phone bill, bus pass and if I'm lucky enough to have any left over, groceries.
I had my three month review toward the end of December (a month late, by the way) and though it took three weeks to wrestle out of them, upper management granted me a $1/hr raise, starting on the 15th of January. (Yeah, screw the fact that the raise is on account of the fact that I've been doing an additional job to the one they actually hired me for and I've been doing both jobs since October, there's no retroactive pay for that. Or even for allowing the raise to take effect on the date of my three month review. Indeed, I found out about the raise BEFORE it was actually to go in effect.) Well, it occurred to me that there are two ways that a pay change could go into effect on the 15th; either it takes effect for the paychecks earned after the 15th, or it affects the hours worked after the 15th. The latter, of course, being the more bleak option since that means I wouldn't actually SEE the bloody thing until February 15th. So I'll be getting paid my usual rate for the next paycheck, the one that's supposed to make up the bulk of my rent. Luckily, it does make up the bulk of my rent, but I'm short somehow from what I usually have waiting for me at the end of the month. This means more money from the first paycheck needs to get stashed away for the rent.
After finding out that I won't see my raise on a paycheck until mid-February, I whipped out my handy calculator and discovered that I have only about 60% of what I need to cover my expenses this month. And that only includes paying minimum credit card payments, my phone bill and buying my bus pass. It took almost all of my will not to cry deliriously at my desk today.
I know part of this is my fault. I decided to stay where I am, with the insanely high rent, instead of moving to a place less safe, less quiet, less pretty, smaller and less cozy. I admit this. But there is of course the obnoxious fact that the stupid company I work for obviously cannot grasp the concept of "cost of living." I need to find a job in Boulder. A job that might understand that my cost of living is a little high. I just have to keep reminding myself that this job is a springboard. I'll gain plenty of experience and tons of good praise and will be suitably prepared for my next job. One which will be located in Boulder and pay me a wage such that I can actually make ends meet. Unlike now, of course. Where some months (like this one and last one) I can't even stretch it without seriously straining myself.
Hopefully my birthday will bring lots of cash. Lots and lots and lots and lots of cash. I may not even ask for anything. Just cash. And gift cards to useful places, like the grocery store and Target. And well, lots of cash. I just want cash. And for the LOVE OF GOD, I better not get anything that does not have a clear, useful, functional purpose. I do not need a towel or a blanket or a doorstopper or a clock. I need fresh produce. And money for rent and new clothes and bills.
*sigh*
Kevin accuses me of being anti-capitalistic. I can't possibly imagine why I would harbor such feelings.
Speak.